I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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