Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
