I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
