Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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