Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
