Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
