Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
