Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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