this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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