I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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