How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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