I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
