I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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