I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
