Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
