omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
