so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just found a bag of teeth...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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