lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Randomize
