I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
