just tell him i said nine months
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
