Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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