Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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