I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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