this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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