I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
