and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
