New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
