Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
