Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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