I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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