You just made me feel so damn special
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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