So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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