Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
