I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
