your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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