New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
