THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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