I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
