Even the bartender felt bad for me
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
