When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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