I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
