Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
