Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You've changed since you got that strap on
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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