My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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