After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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