I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
we're chasing vodka with high fives
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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