dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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