dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
