Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
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