Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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