I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
