Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
