What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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