I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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