Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I want her autograph on my taint
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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