I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize