remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
