I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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