Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
