the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
drinking out of a sandbucket again
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize