nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
