I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
