Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
