i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
