grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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