I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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